Christmas tree Wars

crooked treeA Cautionary Tale from Christmas 2012 …

Merry Christmas!

“So, how do you guys make sure … ?”

Those words were a precursor to a Christmas experience I had yet to have the “pleasure” of enjoying.  And as soon as I finished the rest of that sentence, I had one of those little voice-in-the-back-of-the-head premonitions of impending Yuletide Aggravation.

We were Christmas tree shopping two weekends before the holiday.  And we had found a suitable tree …

A suitable tree is a) alive, b) reasonably full and bushy, and c) fixable in places where it’s not reasonably full and bushy.  

After looking at the first 45 trees, I usually remind my spousal unit that the tree doesn’t have to be “perfect”, which always gets me that “Thank you, Captain Obvious!” tilted-head glare. 

As is the customary belief of REAL Christmas tree (i.e. green and alive) aficionados, Artificial Trees are reserved for the soul-less, Just-Add-Water Christmas types, and Communists.

Fidel Castro extolling the virtues of a straight - but artificial - Christmas tree!

Fidel Castro extolling the perfect alignment of artificial Communist Christmas trees.

… and so we arrange for a tree-rustler to grab our prized evergreen and head off to The Prep Area, where the tree trunk gets a fresh cut and – in our case – a hole drilled up the middle of the trunk to accommodate our center-post tree stand.

For years and years we used the traditional four-point screw clamp tree stands and never seemed to have a problem.  Then twice in three years we had trees topple over for no apparent reason; one time as we were walking out the door to attend Christmas Eve Mass.  

And so ever since we have relied upon our Center Post tree stand.

And this is where Christmas 2012 took its unanticipated cruise through uncharted waters.

The Mistake I made was to ignore the visual warning signs, despite the “uh oh” feeling I experienced after the following conversation, which resulted from my evaluation of the tree-drilling set-up.

“Hey, I’m just curious, but I notice you guys don’t have the self-check fixture on the top of the drill rig.”, as had been used at other tree establishments in years past.

“Yeah, the grounds not very level here, so we can’t use the fixture or the trees will come out drilled crookedly.”, the tree rustler offered. 

“So, how do you guys make sure you drill the tree straight?”, I asked.

“Oh well, I’ll hold the tree in place as straight as I can; and The Driller checks the alignment from three directions to make sure we get it straight.”

uh huh …

Actually, there were two mistakes made here.

The first was to turn our annual Christmas tree hunt into an “adventure”, where we tour 4-5 road-side tree lots before we head back to our known – and reliable – Christmas tree merchant because nothing we see – as Carol demands – jumps out and screams, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!” … accompanied obviously by Schroeder, Lucy and the rest of the Charlie Brown gang singing Christmas Time is Here.

The second mistake was not bailing out as soon as I saw the tree-drilling set up or after hearing the explanation thereof.  It just didn’t occur to me that if the drill rig was not level, even if the tree was visually “straight”, the “crooked” drill rig would …

Well … you can guess what happened next.

Get the tree home, but wait until the next day – December 16 – to pop the tree into the center post tree stand.  At first I didn’t notice the Leaning Tree of Holiday Anguish.  I usually allow the tree to stand in the warm house so it falls out from its tightly wrapped handling and transportation configuration.

The next morning, I come down stairs on my way to work and check to see how the tree is falling out.

Oh no … You have got to be kidding me!  Crooked?!?  The damn thing is CROOKED!?!

At first I thought maybe the tree’s trunk is twisted.  So I turned the tree on its stand looking for both The Good Side of the evergreen and an angle where it didn’t look like a drunk leaning against a lamp post.  But no matter which way it was turned it looked somehow even worse!

2012 Tannenbaum II

2012 Tannenbaum II

So this Christmas season offered me the one holiday experience I had yet to encounter … The Return of a Christmas Tree.  After 50-plus years of Yuletide experience, you tend to believe you have seen it all.

Silly Santa …

Now some might say we were callous to reject an imperfect specimen.  Yes, it wasn’t the tree’s fault.  It was the boobs on the business end of a lopsided drill rig.

The tree vendors were nice enough about it.  They offered me another tree or a refund.  I made a cursory glance around for a replacement.  Although I have to admit, I didn’t WANT to find another one, which would be subject to the same off-kilter drilling process.

The tree purveyors offered a smile with my refund; and I trudged on back to the same old place we usually go, where the trees are on display with trunks pre-drilled so there’s no guesswork involved.  We ended up buying Tannenbaum II at our usual place and enjoyed a visually perfect Christmas!

The moral of the story is … “Familiarity breeds content.”

Also … “If it sounds too stupid to be done correctly, listen to that little voice in the back of your head.”

Christmas Tree Wars

 

crooked tree“So, how do you guys make sure … ?”

Those words were a precursor to a Christmas experience I had yet to have the “pleasure” of experiencing.  By the time I finished that sentence, I was having one of those little voice-in-the-back-of-the-head premonitions of impending Yuletide Aggravation.

We were Christmas tree shopping two weekends before the holiday.  And we had found a suitable tree …

A suitable tree is a) alive, b) reasonably full and bushy, and c) fixable in places where it’s not reasonably full and bushy.  

After looking at the first 45 trees, I usually remind my spousal unit that the tree doesn’t have to be “perfect”, which always gets me that “Thank you, Captain Obvious!” tilt-headed glare … which of course I live for!

As is the customary belief of REAL Christmas tree aficionados, Artificial Trees are reserved for soul-less, Just-Add-Water, Communists.

Fidel Castro extolling the virtues of a straight - but artificial - Christmas tree!

Fidel Castro extolling the perfect alignment of artificial Communist Christmas trees.

… and so we arrange for a tree-rustler to grab our prized evergreen and head off to The Prep Area, where the tree trunk gets a fresh cut and – in our case – a hole drilled up the middle of the trunk to accommodate our center-post tree stand.

For years and years we used the traditional four-point screw clamp tree stands and never seemed to have a problem.  Then twice in three years we had trees topple over for no apparent reason; one time as we were walking out the door to Christmas Eve Mass.  

And ever since we have relied upon our Center Post tree stand.

And this is where Christmas 2012 took its unanticipated cruise through uncharted waters.

The Mistake I made was to ignore the visual warning signs, despite the “uh oh” feeling I experienced after the following conversation, which resulted from my evaluation of the center post, tree-drilling set-up.

“Hey, I’m just curious, but I notice you guys don’t have the usual self-check fixture on the top of the drill rig.” (as had been used at other tree establishments in years past).

“Yeah, well … the grounds not very level here, so we can’t use the fixture as intended or the trees will come out drilled crookedly.”, our tree rustler offered. 

“So, how do you guys make sure you drill the tree straight?”, I asked.

“Oh well, I’ll hold the tree in place as straight as I can; and The Driller checks the alignment from three directions to make sure we get it straight.”

uh huh …

Actually, there were two mistakes made here.

The first was to turn our annual Christmas tree purchase into an hunt, where we tour 4or 5 road-side tree lots before we head back to our usual Christmas tree merchant because no tree anywhere else jumps out and screams, “MERRY CHRISTMAS!!” at my lovely wife, Carol with sounds of Schroeder, Lucy and the rest of the Charlie Brown gang singing Christmas Time is Here.

The second mistake was not bailing out as soon as I saw the tree-drilling set up or after hearing that explanation.  It just didn’t occur to me that if the drill rig was not level, even if the tree was visually “straight”, the “crooked” drill rig would …

Well … you can guess what happened next.

Get the tree home, but wait until the next day – December 16 – to pop the tree into the center post tree stand.  At first I didn’t notice the Leaning Tree of Holiday Anguish.  I usually allow the tree to stand in the warm house so it falls out from its tightly wrapped handling and transportation configuration.

The next morning, I come down stairs on my way to work and check to see how the tree is looking.

Oh no … You have got to be kidding me!  Crooked?!?  The damn thing is CROOKED!!!

At first I thought maybe the tree’s trunk is twisted.  So I turned the tree on its stand looking for both The Good Side of the evergreen and an angle where it didn’t look like a drunk leaning against a lamp post.  But no matter which way it was turned it somehow looked even worse!

2012 Tannenbaum II

2012 Tannenbaum II

So this Christmas season offered me the one holiday experience I had yet to encounter … The Retail Return of a Christmas Tree.  After 50-plus years of Yuletide experience, you tend to believe you have seen it all.

Silly Santa …

Now some might say we were callous to reject an imperfect specimen.  Yes, it wasn’t the tree’s fault.  It was the boobs on the business end of a lopsided drill rig.

The tree vendors were nice enough about it.  They offered me another tree or a refund.  I made a cursory glance around for a replacement; although I have to admit, I didn’t WANT to find another one, also subject to the same off-kilter drilling process.

The tree purveyors offered a smile with my refund; and I trudged on back to the same old place we usually go, where the trees are on display with their trunks pre-drilled so there’s no guesswork involved.  We ended up buying Tannenbaum II at our usual place and enjoyed a visually balanced Christmas tree!

The moral of the story is … “Familiarity breeds content.”

Also … “If it sounds too stupid to be done correctly, listen to that little voice in the back of your head.”

Holiday Armageddon

In recent years it seems to be easier and easier to find examples of man-made, Christmas-related conflict surrounding even the most innocuous of holiday traditions and expressions.  These conflicts run the gamut from serious issues of public policy to the silliness demonstrated by the content of this post.    

Last week I addressed the situation in Loudon County, Virginia where Santa Claus was crucified in a confluence of Free Speech and Poor Governance.   

But a fight of a completely different hue erupted this season in Doylestown, PA.  The trouble was Colored Christmas Lights, my friend.  And that’s Trouble with a capital T! 

In the tradition of the Hatfields and the McCoys, the Capulets and the Montagues, the Bloods and the Crips, it was white lights vs. colored lights.  One side espoused tradition, elegance and a Code of Conformity against a rebellion of flash and festiveness instigated by the free-spirited.  Each side dug in behind barricades constructed from long-held beliefs of what Christmas is supposed to look like; not just on one’s own house, but on the neighbor’s house next door and the one across the street.

The battlefield was the neighborhood streets.  Progress in the conflict was expressed in monetary fines accumulated vs. the number of homes that decided to join The Rebels against The Establishment

The Establishment was represented by humorless, dour functionaries draped in flowing robes of white.  They stared down from their castle ramparts upon the rebellious rabble, who no longer appreciated the purity and tradition conveyed by their flawless, heaven-like white lights.  They persisted in the observance of the community’s established Holiday Standard; and they cast judgement on that criminal element who dared challenge the long-held view of White Lights Only!

The Rebels scurried about in open defiance, dressed in Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoats.  They threw splashes of vibrant color all over the landscape; protested The Law of the Land; and teased the doddering, unflinching Establishment with Christmas landscapes full of Color, devoid of White.  They egregiously violated the Creed of Suburban Holiday Propriety, and responded to all efforts to control them by ratcheting up the assault of reds, blues, greens, purples and yellows.  And when The Establishment cajoled, then scolded, then threatened, the Rebels reached for their nuclear option … The Lighted Reindeer!

And that’s what this holiday season has looked like in Doylestown Station.

The problem originated with an overreaching homeowners association.  These associations are created in the spirit of preserving atmosphere and cleanliness by way of conformity.  The goal is admirable; but if unchecked, the absence of boundaries will always cause problems for the rule setters.

People don’t like to be told what to do by someone who’s not their parents, their boss, or their spouse … not when they spend so much of their time doing the things they do because of their parents, their boss, or their spouse.  They are willing to submit only as far as they can relate a restriction to a common benefit.  Once The Standard pushes past the point where the ideal crosses the pragmatic, resistance is sure to flourish.  That was the crux of The Great Holiday Lights Debacle

It’s one thing to legislate one color of garage door or what kind of fence is permissible.  Some homeowners can appreciate that – on a basic level – conformity with standards can provide a lasting sense of a sedate, tidy quality of life.  You don’t want Billy Bob’s house next door looking like a Caribbean brothel, especially when you paid a lot of money to move away from your old neighbor, who had six Volkswagens in varying states of decay in static display on his front lawn. 

But even then, many swear an oath never to live under the thumb of Neighborhood Oppression.  Some homeowners associations are shadows of authority, preferring to stick to cutting the grass in common spaces.  Others seem to thrive on legislating conformity and swinging The Big Stick at non-compliants.  

It’s a much higher level of intrusion though to demand conformity over such temporary displays like Christmas lights.  Holiday decorations – whether inside the home or outside on the rain gutters – often go directly to one’s familial traditions or their personal interpretation of what makes the Christmas and holiday season so beautiful and enjoyable. The Doylestown Station example screams of all the reasons why so many people find homeowners associations an unacceptable intrusion.

Personally, I like the white lights.  They are stately, elegant and clean.  But they do not – in my opinion – give a particularly festive appearance.  Our house is decorated annually in just about every color on the Christmas spectrum.  Because a) That’s the way my family decorated when I was a kid. and b) Our suburban neighborhood had almost all white lights when we moved there one December years ago.  In a way I enjoyed being “the rebel”, doing something different from the rest of the ‘hood.  

But there were no rules as to what you could display or how you could display it.  And every year since we seem to notice more and more color on neighborhood houses at Christmas time.  

We just didn’t have to relive The Civil War over it!

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For your consideration: 

This goes more to the earlier story mentioned in a previous post about Santa on a cross.

This time of year you hear people, especially devote Christians, complaining about a “war on Christmas“.  It’s the belief that some parts of society are waging a concerted effort to remove all religious references to Christmas by secularizing or eliminating public displays of Christian symbolism and meaning from the holiday season.

Now whether you buy into that theory or not, let me offer you just one example that – in my opinion – seems to support the “war on Christmas” claims.  In Orange County, California a public park that for almost 60 years was the sole domain of local churches for Christmas messages.  That has changed this year, and changed rather dramatically. 

If you read the article linked above, you will realize the following facts:

  • There was an ORGANIZED effort to wrest control of the public space from churches by individuals and organizations that – in most cases – ascribed to the exact opposite message to those previously displayed there.
  • Not only were the local churches almost pushed out (given 3 display locations vs. 14 from prior years), but so was the Santa Monica Police Association who worked with the churches on previous displays.
  • Of the 18 spaces won by atheist organizations in a lottery (because so many applications for spots were received), ONLY 3 of those 18 “atheist spaces” were ever used.  The rest sat vacant.
  • The messages in the three “atheist spaces” that were used ranged from the innocuous “Happy Solstice” to overtly anti-religious hostility that essentially equated religious conviction with belief in myths.

So there was an organized effort to claim a piece of real estate in order to further the interests of one faction over another.  That effort not only involved a level of duplicity (applications with no intent to use the space), but seemed designed specifically to simply deny use by competing interests (churches).  In addition, the effort resulted in open hostility directed towards the very nature of those competing interests (their beliefs). 

Regardless of your views on public displays of religious symbolism during the holiday season, the role of religion in the country’s founding principles, or the separation of church and state, you certainly might agree that this example sure looks like a war!