Cranky Man’s Tips for Life

The following are tips, advice and admonitions which I have ..

a)  Found strategically useful,

b)  Tactically solid, or …

c)  Just sounded cool

They are deliberately vague, hopelessly cliché, and sufficiently applicable to just about any situation, so as to be totally worthless for most situations.  

But then there will be that one time you might wish you had these insightful thoughts at your finger tips …

  • Alaska-F-16s-for-documentAlways check your 6.  Never leave your wingman.
  • Never touch the poker pot until all the cards – including the Dead Hand – are face up on the table.
  • Your Ship – the one you’re waiting to “come in” – loaded with that once-in-a-lifetime stroke of Luck or your long-denied chance at comfortable Wealth will never arrive until you have little need for the Treasures you so hope will be included on the manifest.  Plan accordingly.
  • Time is a guideline (except for tee times and airlines).
  • If the Gift Horse smells like a pile of manure, you’re aren’t looking into it’s Mouth.
  • No one will ever say, “I told you so.”, unless they were right.
  • You should never need the undercoating, the extended warranty, or the Platinum Protection Plan.
  • images-1You can’t always get what you want.  But if you try sometime, well you might just find, you get what you need.
  • Right Turn on Red is not prefaced by Whenever You’re in the Mood …
  • When in the gym locker room, right-of-way always goes to the person with no cloths on.
  • If there’s the potential for tragic consequences, assume the worse and recalculate the Return-On-Stupidity.
  • Whenever trying to figure out the Mysteries of Life, it’s helpful to remember God has a weird sense of humor.
  • If it sounds “Too good to be true”, it is.
  • The ability to Listen is an undervalued skill.
  • The abilities to write – without spelling errors – and to speak – without “uhs, duhs or likes” – tend to influence people.
  • When the volcano is rumbling, the Earth shaking violently; and the water turning into sulfuric acid, you need not wait around for the Townhall Meeting providing you with the evacuation routes.  Get the hell out now!!
  • However, should you decide to wait for said Disaster Townhall Meeting, it’s entirely permissible to shoot the knucklehead who keeps asking the stupid questions, like “Do we have to wait for the end of this stupid meeting telling us how to evacuate; or can we leave now?”
  • There’s never a pony under all that manure.
  • Keeping the rubber side down ... (

    Keeping the rubber side down …

    Keep the rubber side down.  The shiny side is decorative only.

  • Always keep your feet and your gunpowder dry.
  • Never make an important life decision until you absolutely must.  The circumstances will surely change as soon as you commit to an early course of action.
  • Offense wins games.  Defense wins Championships!
  • Invest heavily in weight loss companies in early December.
  • Politicians are only as good as their word, which is why you can never believe what they tell you.
  • Never answer the unasked question.
  • No one sends you anything of value for free.
  • Maximize your advantages by exploiting the soft spots in Zone Coverage before they switch to Man-on-Man.
  • Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.
  • Never let them see you sweat.
  • Let them see you as unpredictable Wild Card with a touch of Absolutely Nuts.
  • When they come to you and say, “We’re the Government; and we’re here to help”, RUN!
  • When the Government tells you, “Everything’s fine; there’s no reason for panic.”, RUN!
  • images-2The most dangerous words to come from your Significant Other’s mouth can be “Honey, I’ve been thinking …”
  • Never fight over the same ground twice.
  • You will always find it in The Last Place You Look!
  • Flexibility and Adaptation are the keys to Survival.
  • Before you hit the “Send” button, re-read your message; consider your audience; and assume not a single person has a sense of humor.
  • The Truth?!?  You can’t handle the Truth!

3 thoughts on “Cranky Man’s Tips for Life

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