Practical confession

Posted on April 8, 2012 by Mike Shortall

I’m a bit of a practical jokester when the opportunity presents itself; like the time I bungy-corded the kids’ bedrooms door shut very early one Christmas morning. To my knowledge no property damage was ever done, no fatalities or major injuries suffered. But I’m sure I have annoyed a few people along the way, not that they necessarily ever connected me to their state of annoyance.

A case in point …

Nick is a really nice guy, but was known at the time to be a bit full of himself. He was a fellow team leader in a large federal procurement office that will remain nameless. He also had a habit – for some reason – of taking his shoes off in the afternoon as he sat at his desk. No cubicles back then, which is important to the story.

Anywho … I had the mischievous and compulsive thought one day to grab one of his shoes as I walked past his desk and he was distracted on the phone. That only one person, Pete Z, saw me do it in an office crowded with desks lined almost end-to-end was amazing. He smiled but never said anything.

My misdemeanor theft went unnoticed for twenty minutes as we sat waiting for something to happen. So I decided – in a flash of non-brilliance it would turn out – to turn up the heat a bit.

I looked up the name of the Commanding General’s Aide-de-Camp, then called the secretary of the Division Director imitating said Lieutenant stating that Mr. Nick L would be receiving a commendation personally from General WhoseIts for Something or Other in approximately 15 minutes.

There was of course an immediate flurry of activity as the secretary called about the various offices looking for said Division Director who was elsewhere in the building. In the meantime, said secretary went over to Nick L to relay to him the good news of his impending commendation; at which point Nick quickly reached down to replace his shoes upon his feet.

Ruh roh …

At that very moment as Pete and I stifled our schoolyard giggles, the Division Director came marching urgently back to the office to don his suitcoat and prepare for the visit by The General. I started to get an uneasy feeling in my stomach. In the meantime, said secretary and Nick had started frantically searching the area around Nick’s desk trying to find his other shoe. The image of Nick standing there either in his socks or with one shoe on and one shoe off was causing me and Pete fits of muffled laughter.

Nick had figured by now that his missing shoe was no accident. But he hadn’t put missing shoe plus out-of-the-blue General visit together. He was way too busy scurrying from one suspect’s desk to another trying to discover the shoe bandit before he ended up standing next to an Air Force General who would be wondering why this idiot was standing next to him with one-or-none shoes on!

For some reason, I was not high on the suspect list. But Pete was. And as the search intensified – now with the Division Director involved and a bit incredulous over this turn of affairs – I glanced over to see Pete head down as if working studiously on a compelling procurement dilemma, glancing sideways at me with this deer-in-the-headlights look on his face. It was obvious that he was uncertain that he would be able to keep a straight face when they got to his desk and shined the glaring Light of Suspicion upon him!

Ruh roh …

That’s when I bolted from my desk in a controlled panic, deftly hiding the purloined shoe behind a file folder (i.e. what we used before computer files) as I quickly – but as inconspicuously as possible – retreated in the opposite direction from the Shoe Hounds. Pete looked like he was going to throw up; but I had to figure out how to end this before someone – namely me – got hurt.

So circling around the office to get behind the line of the suspect sweep, I grabbed an interoffice envelope (i.e. what we used before the creation of e-mail) and stuffed the missing footwear inside and tied down the flap with the red stringy thing. Then I calmly and stealthily snuck into the Division Director’s office – which was just a big cubicle – and placed the shoe-stuffed envelope on his desk.

As I strolled back to my desk through the phalanx of InterOfficePolice, I buried my head in the file folder as if I was working on a compelling procurement dilemma. The Office Gumshoes were just a few desks away from the profusely sweating Pete Z when I placed a call to the secretary’s phone, telling her in my best disguised guilty-as-hell voice, “The shoe is on Mr. Director’s desk.”

After fifteen minutes of standing around waiting for a General that wasn’t about to appear, Mr. Division Director leaned over to an exasperated Nick and said, “I think someone was playing us.”

They say the Most Successful Prank or Swindle is the one where The Victim(s) never connect the perpetrator with the crime. If that’s the case, then this was indeed my Greatest Caper! But I’m convinced I haven’t tried it again simply because it went to the brink a lot faster than I would have anticipated had I bothered to think before I had swiped that shoe.

I guess there’s a lesson in there somewhere.

Cranky Man’s Lawn Epistles ’12: Bag or mulch lawn clippings? An age-old question …

Posted on April 5, 2012 by Mike Shortall

For those of us living in the Philadelphia region of southeast Pennsylvania, it’s quite easy to tell how healthy your lawn is early in Spring. If you are having a difficult time cutting the grass using medium height adjustments on your mower because the grass is too thick to cut, your lawn is in very good shape! If you are busting your hump lugging heavy bags full of fresh, moist lawn clippings to your trash can or lawn bags, your lawn is in prime condition for a healthy summer.

If – on the other hand – your can cut your lawn without bagging clippings at all (medium height setting), then you have much work to do. If you are cutting your lawn just to make it LOOK a uniform length because the only grass growing is in huge clumps in limited areas, you need all the help you can get.

If – however – you don’t really care because you have a lawn care service doing all the fun stuff, then you haven’t been paying attention. You should skip over this and save yourself some time. Shame on you!

My message today deals with the Question of the Ages … Should I bag or mulch my lawn clippings? But if your lawn is in tip-top shape and you are mowing the right way – in my humble opinion, the question really is should I TRY to mulch or should I bag? I say this because, if you have your lawn in top shape, mulching your lawn clippings should be very difficult, if not impossible.

Your lawn in April should be in the Best Shape it will be all summer long. The grass will be its thickest, its fullest, its greenest, and its wettest condition. If you can cut it effortlessly while still cutting shorter than you will in the heat of summer, you might need to pay additional attention in the form of fertilizing and general care to your lawn.

This may not be an issue if you are using a heavy-duty industrial mower. Though you still may want to mind just how deep those mulched clippings get. Too much of a good thing is still too much.

Excess grass cuttings and clippings tend to lay on your lawn and can – if left to degrade on their own sweet time – cause damage and discoloration. I use a fairly good but light Toro mower with a 6.5 cubic liter, 4-stroke engine. It’s light-weight and effective as a mulcher. However I tend to cut the lawn a bit shorter in early Spring when my lawn is particularly thick. So when I mow, the Toro has a difficult time keeping up and mulching the thickest Spring grass. Rather quickly these clippings will accumulate under the cut housing of the mower and end up spilling out the sides or from beneath the mower when I change directions.

To me it’s an unsightly mess on the lawn, and yes it can cause damage if excessive. So bagging the clippings in early Spring is an absolute must … in my humble opinion!

Once the heat or – worse – the lack of rain thins the lawn out, I’ll raise the mower settings and mulch the clippings into the lawn whenever possible.

Funny aside … Recently we changed our waste removal (i.e. trash) contractor. As part of the information package they provided us were tips for managing your household trash and lawn/garden debris. One of their recommendations for disposing of lawn clippings was to “top mulch”. In other words, just leave the clippings collect on your lawn week-after-week as you mow instead of bagging them or dumping them into the trash hopper they provide. In other words, just let them coat your lawn so We – The Waste Disposal Company – don’t have to bother hauling it away.

This is not a recommended course of inaction!

One more note about mulching … Do not be concerned about mushrooms appearing on your lawn. Mulching your clippings helps to feed your lawn by recycling important nutrients. So you should always TRY to mulch whenever it’s practical, limited by what has already been discussed here. But these same nutrients are also a favorite condition for mushrooms, which are fungal growths that thrive on the same natural material your lawn loves.

If you need expert verification, munch on this from americanmushrooms.com:

You can’t get rid of lawn mushrooms without getting rid of the lawn. Likewise, you can’t get rid of mulch mushrooms without getting rid of the mulch, and you can’t get rid of potted-plant mushrooms without getting rid of the plant pot. Fungi are a vital part of every plant-based ecosystem, whether natural or manmade. Lawn grass would not be very healthy if there weren’t mycorrhizal fungi on its roots.

In short, the presence of mushrooms is a sign of a healthy, well-fed lawn! Just make sure small children and pets aren’t eating them as they sometimes tend to do. Most lawn ‘shrooms are non-toxic but you can NEVER be too sure.

Next Cranky Man Lawn Epistle: To Lime or not to Lime … That is the Question!

You read it in the Sunday papers.

Posted on April 2, 2012 by Mike Shortall

This is a regular feature … as in regular, not weekly … of Cranky Man’s Lawn, where we look at – and comment on – a few articles that catch our eye during my regular … as in weekly … Sunday morning coffee’n paper lounge-about. My regular Sunday morning read is The Philadelphia Inquirer. But if you do not get The Inqy delivered to your door, links to the applicable articles are provided as the header to each discussion.

Need a watch “dog”? You can get one for less than $5

Parts of Texas and northwest Louisiana are in the grips of a long-lasting drought. When drought strikes, it means cattle and sheep cannot be sustained in a way that’s profitable for ranchers. Aggravating the situation even further is the ragged, slow state of the economy which affects the costs of everything including the price of hay, which is used to feed the herds. As a result, ranchers have been forced to unload their livestock in order to reduce the financial footprint of the ranching operation.

One unusual consequence of the situation in this region of the country is the releasing of hundreds of donkeys by ranchers who can no longer afford to maintain them, nor can they find buyers when the animals are put on the market.

Apparently, donkeys make exceptional watchmen! They are able to provide a passive security of sorts for the herds they accompany as they – the donkeys – eat, sleep and live among the cattle and sheep. The ranchers use FEMALE donkeys to provide security for herds located in isolated pastures on the very large ranches located in this region. The donkeys are naturally hostile towards wolves and coyotes. They will even go to lengths to attack them should they come into close proximity!

The problem is that they eat the same hay that the herds eat; so if you are not feeding livestock you don’t have, you don’t need the donkeys or the costs of feeding them. So what happens is the donkeys are simply set loose or are pushed onto the lands of other ranches … a sort of reverse rustling.

The shame is that the animals are abandoned and left to fend for themselves. Animal rescue organizations are overwhelmed, their valuable resources used to clean up an unfortunate mess. So if you could use a sentry animal or a decent burro around your spread, check into acquiring a Watch Donkey. They’re going cheap!

Reading the minds of Supreme Court Justices

This has become a favorite activity of cable and television commentators, political bloggers and analysts, State and Federal officials, and health insurance executives over the past week. Three days of unprecedented testimony was held this week over the challenge by 26 states, including Pennsylvania over the mandates set forth in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (a.k.a. Obamacare).

We have seen this coming as early as the day former House Speaker (I still enjoy saying that!) Nancy Pelosi stated that to find out what’s in the bill, Congress would have to pass it!

It was an amazing admission of just how rushed and ill-conceived the Obamacare package really was. With so much power concentrated in the hands of the Democrats in their heady days when Hope and Change were the agenda, they stupidly threw together a terribly complex and pork laden bill (like Nebraska’s special Medicaid deal to land Senator Ben Nelson’s support) and shoved it down the Legislature’s – and America’s – throat. Even its favorable and sensible aspects, like covering dependent children until age 26 and ending exclusions for people with pre-existing conditions, may be lost because of the short-sighted hubris of the Democrats.

In The Sunday Inqy’s Business section Chris Mondics Law Review column took a look at the comments and questioning that emanated from the Supreme Court Justices to gauge their leanings on the law. His take was not good news for the Democrats.

There is no surprise that Justice Antonin Scalia was pointed, sarcastic, and a bit testy with U.S. Solicitors representing the Administration’s case in favor of the law. But the questioning coming from Chief Justice John G. Roberts and Justice Anthony Kennedy were much more troubling for the Obama Administration and the Democrats in Congress. Both Roberts and Kennedy have been seen as the only hope for a majority decision in favor of Obamacare; yet neither seemed impressed with the Administration’s arguments. Worse yet for the besieged healthcare law, both also seemed unlikely to let separate parts of the bill stand if the central buttress – the individual mandate – gets overturned.

The Democrats should have seen this coming the moment Nancy Pelosi opened her mouth!

The funny thing is, if the Democrats had framed the healthcare law as a tax to pay for national coverage, similar to Medicaid, it most likely would have passed muster with the Supreme Court. But no, they were not committed enough to covering the uninsured to go to that great length. Why? Because they KNEW the word “TAX” would have cost them enormous political capital and a few elections along the way. I guess being in power and staying there was just a tad more important than universal healthcare, eh?

By the way, if you have ever had a meltdown speaking in front of an audience during an important presentation, listen to find audio of Soliciter General Donald B. Verrilli, Jr. hemming and hawing; uhing and duhing; gulping copious amounts of water; and rambling barely coherently during his presentation on the individual mandate. It goes on and on for much, much longer than presented in the link. One wonders if he suddenly realized as he began his presentation, “Sh*t, this law really is unconstitutional!”

U.S. Navy and environmental pollution

Seems the U.S. Navy has been getting a lot of attention from environmental groups over it SINKEX program, under which they tow old out-of-commission ships to sea and allow Navy ships to hit them with bombs, torpedos, and missiles until the sink. They do this quite naturally to give its sailors the chance to use the same weapons they will be called upon to use in a real ocean conflict.

The problem? The ships often contain unacceptable levels of toxins from PCBs to asbestos.

I won’t get into the rest of the article, which makes a lot of good points about sinking toxins in the ocean. Instead I wanted to address the work being done by the Navy in its efforts to REDUCE the environmental footprint it leaves on the oceans it travels through and operates in.

For several years I have worked with a group responsible for environmental policies applicable to all Navy ships, though I have not worked directly in any of these programs. The Navy has spent a lot of money on reducing the amounts and types of garbage they eject from their ships every day. All ships do this, from those luxury cruise ships you like to travel on to those tankers and cargo vessels our economies rely upon.

Garbage in the form of biodegradables like foods, some paper products, and human waste generally present no harm to the ocean environment provided they are treated in some way before disposal. Other trash like plastics, styrofoam, caustic solutions and industrial products are another story altogether, and should never be dumped into the seas.

The Navy has been working deliberately and diligently to eliminate the dumping of any non-biodegradable substances into the oceans. The fleet is under strict guidelines to prevent to eliminate the need to dump dangerous substances into the ocean. The Navy has re-engineered the way it collects, handles, and removes harmful substances that are unavoidably generated by ships holding hundreds – if not thousands – of sailors along with their weapons, aircraft, and equipment.

I have worked for a short time on one program that dealt with the handling and disposal of trash generated aboard nuclear submarines as they spend upwards of six months cruising – non-stop at times – around the world’s oceans. You can not grasp the difficulty of this effort to reduce ocean pollutants until you appreciate the problems faced with the mess that gets created aboard a cramped, closed system – essentially a tube filled with people, electronic equipment, and war fighting capability.

Suffice it to say, the U.S. Navy has been doing a heck of a job in getting on top of their waste issue and in its efforts to eliminate to the extent possible its fleet’s impact on the ocean environment!

Generation Y is having a difficult time with life after college.

This post is already getting a bit too “wordy” as my friend, Bob likes to remind me; so I’ll leave you to read the specifics of the series in The Inqy that started on Sunday about the problems college graduates are having finding work in a stifled economy.

I have one son just out of Millersville University and exploring the job market. But he just completed his requirements in December, so he’s fairly new to the market. And my youngest is a freshman now at Temple University. So the details of Generation Y’s post-college job market frustrations is of particular interest.

I was not really sure how to take the stories provided in The Inquirer article. I guess I hope that these are the worst case scenarios. But as a parent you worry. You want the best for them. Who wouldn’t?

So my message to my sons – all three of them – is to make sure you are making the right decisions as you build your background and your resume’. Don’t take shortcuts. Don’t blow off classes. Don’t be satisfied with “OK grades”. Maintain your flexibility when it comes to future employment opportunities and career choices, unless you are truly fixed on a very specific field of study and profession. Don’t limit yourself to specific jobs to certain employers in limited geographic areas.

The reality is that you could do everything right and still not land a suitable opportunity. But a well-developed resume’ and maximum personal flexibility should give you the best chance of getting a job of which you can be proud.

Good luck to them and to all who are searching for a fair post-college opportunity!

A little Mikie time …

Posted on April 2, 2012 by Mike Shortall

Holy dress shopping, Batman! (A subject for another post in the near future. Dress shopping, not Batman … Although if you haven’t seen it, you really should check out the story of a true Batman hero working to benefit sick children in Maryland. Really inspirational stuff!)

Anyways, back to my train of thought … such as it us.

Holy dress shopping, Batman! No one’s home … I have the day off … And the short Honey Do List has been (almost) completed!!

What to do?!?

Why not crank up the iPod and write some new blog stuff??? Alrighty then …

And if you’re itchy to get the baseball season started, take a look at my new blog covering the Phillies 2012 campaign at http://section135.mlblogs.com/!!

Our first game for our ticket plan is Tuesday night’s exhibition against the Pirates!

Airport paranoia … THE destroyer

Posted on March 27, 2012 by Mike Shortall

Cranky Man likes to keep an eye on the maneuvering surrounding the City of Philadelphia’s efforts to expand the Philadelphia International Airport. Why? Because I’m a suspicious, semi-paranoid type who’s convinced a nefarious plot will surface to bring back the issue of an airport at the recently abandoned Joint Reserve Base Willow Grove.

The Kinks would claim “Paranoia, the Destroyer”. But it does keep you on your toes!

And so it was with my Paranoia Radar in full operational mode that I read not one … but two articles in Sunday’s Philadelphia Inquirer on UPS, U.S. Airways and the Philadelphia International Airport expansion kerfuffle.

The first article was found in The Inqy’s Business Section, and was quite informative on the size, complexity, depth and breadth of the UPS operation at PHL. UPS employs 3100 people at PHL, housed on 212 acres and in a 681,000 square-foot processing center. The center also includes a 50-acre airplane ramp.

The hub processes approximately 70,000 parcels a day, which can rise to 95,000 per day during the Christmas season. Eighty to 100 tractor trailers a day move parcels to ground hubs within a 150-mile radius, including its ground delivery hub on Blair Mill Road in Horsham. There were no specific figures provided for flights-per-day; but in 2007 available information showed 20 flights every 24 hours. I would expect more flights now 4-5 years later than that 2007 data. Due to airway congestion and the UPS sorting process schedule, these flights arrive primarily at night.

UPS recently bought Dutch package and freight service TNT Express for $6.7 billion!

The second article described the confab held Monday, March 26 between the City of Philadelphia in the person of Mayor Michael Nutter and U.S. Airways in the person of Chief Executive Doug Barker over the future of the airlines operations at PHL and the planned expansion of the airport. The expansion calls for the construction of a new runway that – among other things – would REQUIRE that UPS accept a move from their current location to a less desirable site – according to UPS – in Tinicum.

The cost of this project is a big concern to both the City and to U.S. Airways. The City estimates the project’s cost to be $6.4 BILLION over a 13-year period! But members of airlines industry suggest the costs will run closer to $10.5 BILLION! That’s a pretty big gap.

The City, prior to yesterday’s meeting with U.S. Air, planned to pay for the project in part by charging the airlines fees based on activity. Needless to say the airlines aren’t particularly thrilled with the prospect, especially when they insist a new runway will not solve the problem it’s intended to address … more timely flights and lessened airspace congestion. The airlines insist that overcrowding and more efficient airport operations would be resolved by working to re-route or re-organize the airspace between Boston and Washington D.C.

Why is this important to watch? Paranoia runs deep!

U.S. Airways has suggested that it might shift air operations away from PHL if it could not agree to a new 15-year lease with The City and those prohibitive charges for the new runway. If a “use fee” is charged by The City to pay for the runway, U.S. Air can avoid those charges by simply reducing the number of flights out of Philadelphia or – in a more drastic scenario – move its Philadelphia hub operations somewhere else.

This is the same approach UPS may take when it comes to moving its facility from the east side of the airport to the west side, bordering on Tinicum. UPS does not like the proposed Tinicum site since it affords no buffer area from surrounding homes; the plan to appropriate 72 homes via forced sales under provisions of eminent domain puts UPS in the position of being “the bad neighbor”; and the fact that the proposed site provides no additional space for expansion of the PHL UPS hub if necessary.

UPS has said if forced to move from its current site, it will entertain “all other options”, including the potential of moving its Philadelphia hub out of The City.

And there sits that 8000-foot runway … with 890 acres of land … 1/2 mile from my front door …

And now the Horsham Land Reuse Authority plan will soon be in Washington … in the hands of the Navy … with all those politicians standing around … looking for their next Sugar Daddy donation …

We all knew it would take YEARS for this redevelopment effort to bear fruit. But it only takes a few days for fruit to turn into garbage.

Paranoia?!? BIG destroyer …

Voter ID fraud: Real or imagined?

Posted on March 25, 2012 by Mike Shortall

I promised Steve, the proprietor of Citizen’s Call, a local news and community website based in Cheltenham Township, PA that I would address this issue here on Cranky Man’s Lawn because my take was a little too … let’s say … contrarian for his decidedly liberal website. This despite Citizen’s Call‘s own claim that “… the reform of our system of elections are areas where we’re likely to tread.” Apparently that means treading with the Left foot only!

The issue surrounds the rather contentious passing of a Voter ID law by the Pennsylvania state legislator and signed into law by Governor Tom Corbett. Citizen’s Call addressed the issue several times over the past month. The latest was on March 16 which is where this story begins. The story relayed how Voting Rights Advocates (i.e. Democratic voting rights advocates … One must assume that Republicans do not care about “voting rights”. We only care about “voter suppression”; i.e. Democrat voter suppression.) have thrown down the gauntlet on the new Voter ID Law with the four words lawyers love to hear, “See you in Court!”

Anyways, the article had but one comment – not made by Steve – when I stumbled upon it. The commenter suggesting a common liberal Democrat theme, that “There is no evidence of voter fraud …”.

This is such a common refrain from those who oppose any attempt to control access to the polls. They will call any such effort “voter suppression”, although – one could argue – Pennsylvania already suppresses voter accessibility by requiring one to register in a way that’s verifiable (card issuance and signature matching) before one is allowed to vote. Obviously at some point someone thought restricting access in such a way was a good idea in preserving the sanctity of the voting booth.

Frankly, I was luke warm over Voter ID proposals. Is voting fraud a rampant problem? Not really … Do current voter access requirements sufficiently protect voter rights and ensure that only qualified, registered voters get to cast ballots? I had thought so.

But after hearing over and over again that no evidence existed of voter fraud, I decided to check for myself. And what I found after a very simple Google search was a good number of cases not only investigated, but prosecuted and convicted! So I decided to share my information with the good folks in Cheltenham, PA via a response comment to the article on Citizen’s Call.

Just keep in mind that Cheltenham is overwhelmingly Democrat, having voted upwards of 70-80% Democrat since the early 1990s. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

My own comment read thus:

Oh, but there is – not only evidence – but convictions on instances of voter fraud!

113 convictions in Minnesota ALONE for the 2008 general election:
http://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/minnesota-leads-the-nation-in-voter-fraud-convictions-131782928.html

The NAACP itself was convicted in the mid-1990s for fraud in Green County, Alabama, which might explain why they vociferously fight voter protections that in MOST cases would protect their very constituents from vote robbers:
http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/286557/yes-virginia-there-really-voter-fraud-hans-von-spakovsky

An 80-year-old man in Portland, OR was convicted in January 2011 of voting repetitively for his DECEASED son and brother:
http://oregoncapitolnews.com/blog/2011/01/19/man-sentenced-to-jail-for-casting-ballots-on-behalf-of-dead-relatives/

Even Republicans commit it, though this kind of fraud wouldn’t be solved by a photo ID …
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/05/us/indiana-secretary-of-state-convicted-in-voter-fraud-case.html

It happens everywhere, committed by all types of people …
http://www.rnla.org/votefraud.asp

So … can we drop the canard that voting fraud does not occur; hasn’t resulted in a conviction; or isn’t in some cases an organized political activity (http://rottenacorn.com/activityMap.html)???

It’s a fact! These are the results of a very simple Google search (voting fraud convictions). Don’t believe everything the main stream media feeds you!

So what does a Liberal do when their basic premise for opposing a piece of legislation that threatens their party’s ability to influence and win elections is challenged? They simply rephrase the argument!

This is what I experienced once I noted that my comment had been waylaid for “moderation”. Steve attempted to re-phrase the argument by stating that my examples must cite “voter impersonation fraud” only and incidences of it specific to Pennsylvania! In other words, “… how is something that may’ve (sic) happened in Minnesota … relevant to PA?”

Hmmmmm … I would have given him the first point about that examples should deal with voter impersonation specifically. Of course Steve hadn’t bothered to check any of my examples. Had he, he would have found several examples of direct voter impersonation, including my favorite – the individual caught submitting ballots for his dead relatives. Always a crowd pleaser!

The logic behind the “only incidents occurring in Pennsylvania relate to Pennsylvania” was a stunner that could only be characterized as a desperate attempt to cling to the Democrat lament of, “Voter fraud?!? What voter fraud?!?” Apparently the borders of Pennsylvania are impermeable to voter impersonation and fraud committed in other states. Amazing …

But that’s a sweet spot to be in, when you can re-write the question if you don’t like the answer!

In any case, I left Steve from Citizens Call off the hook by telling him to forget my comment, figuring it wasn’t worth trying to convince someone so intent on restricting the conversation in order to preserve their subjective storyline. I had NEVER had to run a moderator’s gauntlet just to get a comment posted. It’s usually something you run into only if there’s a danger of libel or a valueless ad hoc attack.

So I decided to post my observations here, and tell the story of Democrats clinging desperately to a misleading talking point in an attempt to keep retail voter fraud a reality. All that’s left now is for ACORN to be officially recognized as an official political arm of the Democratic Party!

The moral of this story?

If you plan to make an argument that flies directly in the face of a Liberal’s view of an issue, anticipate that they will re-define the question.

Cranky Man’s Lawn Epistles ’12: Getting started, Planning lawn treatments

Posted on March 21, 2012 by Mike Shortall

It’s official! Spring has sprung in southeast Pennsylvania!

Spent the second half of a fine Spring afternoon this weekend making my Winter Clean-up and Lawn Inspection mow of the front yard. Plan to do the same on the Back Meadow on Friday, weather permitting of course.

Proof that Cranky Man has an adequate lawn!

I like to split this initial cut, clean-up, and health check in two parts because to do it right takes time. Much more time than a simple mow. And with the additional effort of raking out the Fall and Winter debris of leaves, twigs, doggie droppings (both domestic and imported), dead growth, etc. etc. etc. … my back begins to ache and my attention starts to wander. So dividing the project into smaller parts is best suited for a quality effort and a complete diagnosis.

My diagnosis usually goes along the lines of the following:

How is the overall health of the lawn?
Are there areas that need an extra level of effort to give a good Spring start and an improved chance of surviving the summer?
What needs to be done in those areas?
Should we aerate or dethatch?
What’s the prospective schedule for lawn fertilization and treatments look like?

For me, these questions always start with the lawn in front of the house. It’s the area that gets beat up by sun and heat every Summer due to an eastern exposure and lack of shade trees. My backyard is ALMOST on annual cruise control, so long as I fertilize and weed treat sufficiently to overcome the neighbors’ lack of Lawn Attentiveness. As was the case last year, you can anticipate a repeat of Operation Digitaria to protect The Homelands from the scourge of Neighboring Crabgrass! More on this in a later Epistle!

So anyways, my answers to the Five Questions of Lawn Health were:

Pretty good. Actually downright lush! Largely due to a light Winter and an early Spring. For the most part we can proceed normally as any other Spring.
Worst problem area along the driveway

Except for the areas I saw that need some help. As mentioned above, Summer’s sun and heat does damage every year. It can’t be helped, though we try to prevent it. This year we have the usual areas out front that have bare spots, where heat-damaged grass died off completely and nothing has as yet taken root.
Usually I just let Nature take Her course and see what happens. But this year I have decided to be a bit more proactive in these annual trouble spots. To see if maybe we can give these areas a leg up on surviving the summer without the noticeable bare spots developing again in July-August. So I have decided to re-seed these areas. But before I do, I am going to fill in the holes with quality topsoil, seed over the areas, then lightly cover the re-seeded areas with peat moss. Covering the seed LIGHTLY (!) with peat or topsoil keeps the seed moist when you WATER it and keeps the birds from eating your seed.
Aerate … Yes! I’m overdue on that because I never got around to it last year. But it will have to wait until the end of April, maybe early May. Dethatching? No. I dethatched a few years ago; and even if I thought it needed it, I would wait until the Fall to do it. But certainly you can dethatch in the Spring, if you think your lawn needs it!
Since I am planning a rather extensive seeding operation as described in 3. above, I will probably apply my April weed ‘n feed only to the Back Yard – the unseeded – lawn. I will skip the Front Yard because applying a weed ‘n feed over a newly seeded lawn will prevent grass seed from germinating. I can probably get away without the April weed ‘n feed for the Front Lawn because I usually apply it TWICE a year (Spring & Fall), not just in the Spring. But not applying a weed ‘n feed will mean more work controlling weeds in certain Front Lawn areas; but I’m willing to try this to get my front lawn in better overall condition. If your weed problem is bigger that your bare-spots problem, I would definitely apply the weed ‘n feed and skip the re-seeding until September then skip the Fall weed ‘n feed.

So there’s my Spring Action Plan! What does your’s look like?

A high traffic area along the landscaped beds

PLANNING LAWN TREATMENTS

In general, I like to apply fertilizers and treatments five times a year!

Spring weed ‘n feed … mid-April … There is nothing wrong with seeing a few early Spring weeds on your lawn, so don’t panic and run out to buy weed ‘n feed right away. If you use a granular weed treatment, it actually works quite effectively on weeds already present on the lawn. So you’ll get’em eventually! Patience, grasshopper, patience. If you do apply a weed ‘n feed IN A GRANULAR FORM, which is used to kill a visible and significant weed presence, make sure you apply it when the grass is wet (an early morning dew or following rain that will not return for 48 hours). Forty-eight hours of rain-free weather is needed for the active weed agent to work effectively. (If you are applying weed ‘n feed for prevention as opposed to treatment, then you can use a weed product in a time-release form (i.e. non-granular pellets) that will eventually kill any present weeds – just more slowly – and provides for longer weed prevention. In this scenario, the lawn does not have to be wet.)
Preemergent (anti-crabgrass) … Memorial Day weekend … Previously I was under the misapprehension that pre-emergents should be the FIRST treatment your lawn gets as early as late March. But recently I was schooled in the fact that a pre-emergent has a short (approximately 3 months) lifespan on the ground and is MOST effective when applied just before Crabgrass Hunting Season begins. Since crabgrass germinates and blooms when the summer temps get HOT, applying it in March or April will not cover your lawn through July and August unless you re-apply. Who wants to do THAT?!? Caveat: The dates used in all these treatment suggestions are based on MY experience in Southeast Pennsylvania. You may have to tweak the order and timing of some of these treatments if your regional summer temps are different.
Anti-Grub treatment (if needed!) … 4th of July give or take a week … Grubs (fat white worm-type thingies) will usually hatch and begin feeding in late June-early July, so this is the best time to apply a grub control. However, this is routinely one treatment I will forego, depending on what I see in grub and beetle activity. In recent years, we have seen much fewer Japanese beetles during our summers, following several summers where the beetles were prolific. So I have skipped this treatment the past two years. Furthermore, several readings have suggested that even if you find grubs present in your lawn, there may not be enough of them to warrant a relatively expensive (relative to fertilizers) grub application to eliminate them. One suggestion was to survey a patch you suspect has turned brown from grubs and “flap scalp” the turf from the underlying soil. If you find evidence of more than 10 grubs per-square-foot, then a grub application is essential. This product should be WATERED into the lawn within 2-3 days to be most effective!
Fall weed ‘n feed … mid-to-late September … I’ll usually apply a preventative or “momentum-type” application of the non-granular weed ‘n feed. Again, if significant weeds are present, apply when the lawn is wet and during a period where 48 hours of rain-free weather is expected.
Winter fertilization … no later than Thanksgiving … The final lawn treatment on the year feeds your grass one last time before it goes dormant for the Winter. The nourishment is stored in the grass’ roots and provides a burst of growth in the Spring when temperatures start to rise.

Once you develop a plan for you lawn, try to stick to it as best you can. But flexibility is essential should conditions (heat, excessive rain, heavy grub and Japanese beetle presence, neighbors who don’t care or follow your advice, etc.) warrant a change in course.

Remember, it’s not just a lawn; it’s part of the family!

7G!

Posted on March 20, 2012 by Mike Shortall

Cranky Man’s Lawn hit 7000 page views this week. Not particularly amazing by blog standards, but a milestone nonetheless!

Thanks to everyone who stops by and stays a spell!
– Cranky

May the road rise to meet you!

Posted on March 16, 2012 by Mike Shortall

In a previous post on More PC wackiness, I took some local Irish Philadelphians to task for figuratively swinging their shillelaghs at Spencer’s Gifts during a protest at the Franklin Mills Mall over “desecration of the Shamrock”.

Spencer’s crime? The sale of “Kiss me, I’m Irish” merchandise.

Although I sympathized with their observation that Irish tales of drinking and fighting were a bit overplayed at this time of the year, I also felt they were dangerously close to joining all those ultra-sensitive cultural groups who lose their insert relevant cultural icon here every time someone looks at them crooked.

As an Irish-American several generations removed from life on The Auld Sod, I offered my view that one of the aspects of Irish culture I always found appealing was the Irish’s ability to maintain a friendly demeanor while holding dear their culture and their heritage. In my humble Americanized opinion the Irish, who are no strangers to natural and man-made tragedies, had refined the ability to survive to an art … an art in the form of a folksy wisdom and an uncanny ability to laugh at themselves.

So with those thoughts in mind, here are a few good Irish stories and sayings in tribute to a hardy and agreeable breed of people. And yes, a few stoudts are included.

May the roof above us never fall in,

And may we friends beneath it never fall out!

Paddy was visiting a large American city. He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop at a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, “Okay, pedestrians!” They would all cross, then he’d allow the traffic to resume once again. He’d done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, ‘Pedestrians!’ for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, “Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?”

Continual cheerfulness is a sign of wisdom.

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water, officer”,’ says the priest.

The trooper asks, “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Here’s to you and yours, and to mine and ours.

And if mine and ours ever come across you and yours,

I hope you and yours will do as much for mine and ours

As mine and ours have done for you and yours!

Mike was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, “Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!” Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Mike looked up again and said, “Never mind, I found one.”

You’ll never plough a field by turning it over in your mind.

Walking into the bar, Seamus said to Charlie the bartender, ‘”Pour me a stiff one – just had another fight with the little woman.” “Oh yeah?” said Charlie, “And how did this one end?” “When it was over,” Seamus replied, “She came to me on her hands and knees.” “Really,” said the bartender, “Now that’s a switch! What did she say?” “Come out from under the bed, you little chicken!”

Here’s to me, and here’s to you.

And here’s to love and laughter.

I’ll be true as long as you.

And not one moment after.

Sean staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Sean sprung up; pulled down his pants; and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began placing them as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box, and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Sean woke up with searing pain in both his head and his butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. “You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”, she accused. Sean replied, “Why would you say such a mean thing?” “Well”, Kathleen said, ‘It could be the wide open front door. It could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs. It could be the drops of blood trailing through the house. It could be your bloodshot eyes. But mostly … it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror!”

May your thoughts be as glad as the shamrocks.

May your heart be as light as a song.

May each day bring you bright, happy hours

That stay with you all the year long.

May this St. Patrick’s Day find you and yours in the best of spirits and at the peak of good health!

(Thanks to Gary K for the jokes! – Cranky … except when I win in poker.)

“Game Change”, HBO’s new Democrat-umentary

Posted on March 13, 2012 by Mike Shortall

democratumentary – (def) a media production presented as a “documentary” when it really only addresses issues and events from a subjective point-of-view favorable to the Democratic Party.

I try not to be a cynic. I really do. But when it comes to politics, I am no longer a match for the machinations of those on the National political stage. And when they are joined by willing sycophants in the media and entertainment industries, it’s about all I can stand without blowing a Cranky Man gasket!

My latest migraine comes courtesy of the abomination made by HBO of the best-selling book Game Change, authored by John Heileman and Mark Halperin following the 2008 presidential election.

If you happened to watch this HBO democratumentary this past Sunday (I didn’t, and won’t; and why will become obvious to you as you read this.), please take a moment and read my review of the book Game Change, written for this blog back in January 2011. And as you read my review, see if you can identify what was left out of the HBO democratumentary.

(Cranky hums the Jeopardy theme song as he patiently waits for his readers as they enjoy another brilliant Cranky Man piece.)

That’s right! Not a single mention, character casting, or on-screen appearance of any significance by any Democrat that participated in that 2008 presidential election! Not a single one …

This despite that the dominant theme of Game Change – the book – was the Hillary Clinton-Barack Obama battle in the Democrat primaries, and the harrowing details of John Edwards’ disastrous campaign and failing marriage!

Not a peep …

I had seen several of the teasers and promos for the HBO democratumentary, and kept wondering where was the Clinton-Obama characters? What about the confrontation between the two on the tarmac of Reagan National Airport? Where was the controversy over the Clinton campaign’s speculation on past drug use by Obama and rumors of his Muslim roots? Where was the grab-you-by-the-collar stories of John and Elizabeth Edwards’ constant fights and dysfunction?

Nowhere, that’s where …

It’s gets even uglier – as in Rielle ugly – when you peruse the political donations of the cast and production executives that worked on the democratumentary.

Tom Hanks, producer, well over $100, 000 to the DNC since 1994, $36,500 to liberal causes like SEN Al Franken’s Midwest Values. Republicans: not a dime

Ed Harris (SEN John McCain), $9500 to Democratic candidates, $11,975 to liberal special-interest groups like MoveOn.org. Republicans: squat, nada, nil

Woody Harrelson (Steve Schmidt, McCain-Palin chief strategist), $4,300 to Democratic candidates, $3,500 to liberal causes like GreenVote. Republicans: zip, zero, zilch

Jay Roach, director/co-executive producer, $15,800 to Democrats; Republicans? You should be recognizing the theme by now!

Julianne Moore (Sarah Palin), $2,250 to Democrats, $7,500 to DNC, Democratic White House Victory Fund and special-interest groups. Republicans: Everybody join in!

Danny Strong, co-executive producer, $2500 to Obama Victory Fund. Republicans: a big wet willie

You don’t need someone to draw the picture for you. It’s just sitting there plain as day.

You would think the movie-based-on-the-book would have at least addressed in some way the REAL Game Change in 2008, Barack Obama as the first African-American President. But that story had to be ignored, to avoid the ugliness of the Democrats’ 2008 campaign and to maximize the spotlight on the Republican-Sarah Palin debacle.

Afterall, you never want to beat the horse you’re betting on.

(Shout out to reader Mark D for tipping me to the donation information.)